untitled, unfinished
by Reive
Summary: an unfinished piece of R/T imzadi fic. i remember being quite proud of it when I wrote it, I also know that it's highly unlikely I will ever be in an emotional place where I'll want to get back to it and finish it, but enjoy anyway
1. part 1

"Imzadi, you are going to make me crazy." Deanna sighed and leaned  
against the entrance to her quarters. She looked up, hitting her head  
softly against the door and smiled, almost laughing at herself. She hoped  
Will wasn't still standing outside. She couldn't sense him at the moment,  
but he'd had years of practice keeping her at bay by now, and when she was  
worked up, Deanna felt hesitant about reaching out to him with her mind,  
especially for casual reasons. If he couldn't guess what she was doing  
right now, she didn't want to accidentally fill him in on it.  
  
To Deanna it was starting to seem that it was the best evenings that  
left her feeling the worst. They'd had dinner, both of them ordering  
outside of their usual habits. Guinan had particularly seemed surprised  
by Will's choice of oysters, but Denna didn't understand why, although she  
did think they looked a bit like Klingon food and found some humor in  
that, although she kept it to herself. Worf was still a bit of a  
sorepoint with Will, and Deanna was increasingly starting to think that it  
had less to do with Will's past fears of losing her to Worf, than it had  
to do with Will's dismay over the distance it had inserted in his  
friendship with the Klingon.  
  
It was the first uninterrupted dinner they'd had in weeks. Most times if  
they ate in ten-forward they'd eventually be joined by other senior crew  
members and more often than not those conversations would eventually turn  
to the job, or some related minutae, Deanna eventually excusing herself to  
escape Data's transporter trivia. Sometimes they'd eat in Will's  
quarters, but often that was too hard on her. In ten-forward at least  
Deanna had the pleasure of feeling the entire room drop away as she  
watched Will speak, his eyes dancing. She was more more hesitant to allow  
herself such luxuries in his quarters and would find herself instead  
concentrating on her awkward posture or more positively, the nuances of  
the meals she still let him cook for her on occassion.  
  
Tonight even Guinan had left them alone after their food arrived. While  
Deanna had never been particularly able to read the woman, she and Will  
had discussed more than once the peaceful and vaguely optimistic sadness  
about her, and were always willing to indulge her conversations if not for  
their own benefit, then for hers.  
  
Will had immediately started in on Deanna, trying to get her to try the  
oysters, which appeared to her to be slimier than she generally perferred  
her food; she also knew that if she refused him, he'd see it as a  
challenge that she'd eventually lose. She felt disappointment from him  
when he realized she was about to give in so easily and then laughed as  
he quickly offered her a bet on the matter instead -- if she lost, she'd  
have to agree to eat a whole plate of the damn things next time. Betting  
on herself to come in second in earnings at the next poker game (Deanna  
just felt wrong pinning her bets on anyone else), they shook on it. As  
the conversation went on to what passed for gossip between her and Will,  
she noticed the way she was resting her hand on her leg. It was upturned,  
still slightly curved, as it had been when she shook with him. She  
smiled, thinking of times she had lain in bed alone, looking at her  
slightly curved hand and noting how reflexively it waited to hold his hand  
or touch his shoulder.  
  
"What?" Will had asked chuckling.  
  
"Oh," Deanna said, clearly startled. "Nothing," she said, shaking her  
hair out and laughing at herself.  
  
"Deanna, why don't I believe you?" he asked, leaning towards her and  
smiling mischeviously.  
  
"Because you know better?"  
  
That had shut him up. And while pleased with the results, Deanna was  
slightly chagrinned with herself for just letting that pop out of her  
mouth like that.  
  
Will's eyes had brightened then as he flashed his grin at her, but then he  
got quiet, leaning back in his chair. Deanna felt him grow both whistful  
and somber, and while it worried her slightly, only because of where it  
might lead the conversation, it was not an entirely unpleasant sensation.  
  
Then he had begun talking about when they first met, and the man he  
had thought he would be by now.  
  
"Are you not happy, Will?" Deanna asked with both concern and a small bit  
of surprise.  
  
"I'm not unhappy. It's just...." Will paused. "Well, who the hell ever  
knows how complex life is really going to be?"  
  
Deanna had sensed him struggling then, both to understand what he was  
feeling and to express it. She nodded slightly, urging him on.  
  
Will shrugged. "By now, I had thought I would have my own ship, and had  
thought...."  
  
Deanna had started to interrupt; Will had been offered his own command  
more than once. But he held his hand up for her to let him finish, and  
closed his eyes briefly.  
  
"I had thought," Will continued, "that by now I would have what I wanted  
and known what I didn't want." He paused again. "I'm a lot less  
impressed with myself than I used to be." He looked up from the spot he'd  
been staring at on the table to study her face.  
  
Deanna had been surprised not to sense failure from him in that statement,  
but a kind of relief. "Will," she said, noticing the tendency she had  
to draw out the syllable, "I think that's a good thing."  
  
He had smiled at her then, as she took his much larger hands in hers. His  
hands had always fascinated her, not just because of her attraction to  
him, but becuse of the way she felt they reflected so many of his  
contradictions. They reminded her of his capacity for both anger and  
tenderness, two things he tried to hide from most people, including her.  
And while he was almost always successful, their history and her  
background allowed, or perhaps forced, her never to forget who he really  
was.  
  
She had looked down at their hands intertwined then, thinking perhaps this  
wasn't the best image to be presenting in ten-forward, although the lounge   
was relatively deserted at the moment, and the closeness of their   
friendship was hardly secret.   
  
Deanna wondered what wants Will had been referring to a moment before.  
  
"Family," he said absently, as if to answer her unasked question. "You  
know," his voice regaining its usual confidence and timbre, "considering  
my relationship with my father, I can't fathom why I even think about  
these things."  
  
"Well, Commander, I think that's a sign of maturity." Deanna had hoped  
she didn't sound too forced in trying to lighten the mood, but she was  
wary of getting further emeshed in this topic in public.  
  
He groaned at her remark and then they both laughed in unison. Deanna  
caught Guinan watching them, which drew Will's brief attention, before he  
turned back Deanna.  
  
"Counselor, would you like to go for a walk with me in the arboretum?"  
  
"I think that would be lovely, Will," she said, bringing them back to  
their standard informality.  
  
He had wanted to take her hand, but realized that in the public corridors  
of the Enterprise this would most likely make her uncomfortable, so he  
made sure to brush it once lightly as they began walking together, but did  
not actually reach out to grab it.  
  
Walking amongst the trees, Deanna had found herself telling Will stories  
about her childhood, mesmerized by having the luxury of doing so. Her job  
as counselor meant listening and feeling dozens of autobiographies a week,  
and it gave her the opportunity to repress her own nostalgia, which, at  
the moment she was unusually enjoying. Deanna was almost outside herself,  
cognizsant of her own walk and facial expressions and the way Will was   
watching her as he ocassionally brushed his hand along a plant or leaf. A  
voice in her head told her this was not how a man looks at someone he  
considers to be merely a friend, but Deanna pushed that away as she  
continued her narrative. Afterall, they were Imzadi, even if they were  
not romanticly involved these days. Certainly there was no merely about  
their bond, and therefore nothing she should read into his current  
attentiveness, much to her dissapointment.  
  
Will had noticed her distraction, and briefly placed his hand on the small  
of her back. "You're distracted tonight," he stated rather than asked.  
  
"I'm just pennsive." She paused. "And content." She smiled up at him.  
"These things are contagious for me after all." In her mind she finished  
the sentence with "Imzadi", and thought she saw him shiver.  
  
"Someone just walk over your grave, Will?" She asked.  
  
He laughed. Deanna was continually picking up Earth colloquiallisms  
lately, probably because of Data's current penchant for and overuse of  
them. "Yeah, something like that." He smiled at her then, sat down on a  
low stone wall and grabbed her hand.   
  
For a moment, Deanna hadn't moved, but stood there with her arm   
outstretched to him behind her. Then she took a step backward and turned,  
smiling down at him. He was waiting to see what she was going to do next.  
Sensing the challenge, she sat down on his lap. He smiled, and put his  
arms around her.  
  
"You're a funny one, Deanna Troi," he said.  
  
"As are you, William Riker."  
  
He had sighed then and pulled her closer for a moment, before setting her  
back on her feet and getting up.  
  
"I have to pull a double shift tomorrow and we have an early staff  
meeting," he said to her confused look. "We should probably call it a  
night."  
  
Deanna nodded her ascent, then smiled, not being able to resist the  
opportunity. "See, I told you you've matured." She laughed and hit him  
lightly on the shoulder.  
  
"Don't you mean I'm getting old?" he asked.  
  
"Oh yes, absolutely Commander, that too," Deanna responded, nodding  
vigorously and trying to keep from laughing.  
  
Deanna caught the look in his eye just before he picked her up and put her  
over his shoulder. "Still not too old to do this!"  
  
"Will!" Deanna knew better than to finish her sentence, and Will knew  
better than to do anything but to put her right back down.  
  
"Sorry, I couldn't resist."  
  
'And I can't resist that look,' Deanna thought to herself. She shrugged,  
smiled and walked out of the Arboretum ahead of him.  
  
  
"So I'll see you in the morning," Will said.  
  
"Yes Commander, bright and early." Deanna paused, her face softening. "I  
had a lovely time tonight, Will, thank you."  
  
Will smiled. "The pleasure was mine," he said, before bending down and  
pressing his cheek against the side of her face for a moment before  
kissing her chastely on the forehead. "Goodnight."  
  
Will watched her enter her quarters and Deanna made sure to keep moving  
until the doors had closed, but the second they had she had found herself  
here, leaning against them thinking of all the small things that  
endlessly, but perhaps wisely seperated them. She was increasingly less  
sure about this, however. Afterall, they were together for all intents  
and purposes, and the illusions of their friendship, while designed to  
protect both of them from pain, weren't always successful, and also   
weren't without their own pains.  
  
"Damn," she muttered, walking herself over to her couch and beginning to  
unfold a blanket. She knew this is where she'd end up sleeping  
tonight, as she had most nights after seeing Will recently. It was easier  
on her to rest if she didn't have to remember she was in bed without him. 


	2. part 2

"Deanna. I don't know what else to tell you. Both of you seem to want  
things both ways, and if that makes you and Will happy, that's great,  
but you can't blame your friends for being worried or curious or a little  
fed up." Beverly raised her eyebrows and smiled, hoping she didn't sound  
too harsh. Mostly she found the ongoing soap opera that was Will and  
Deanna entertaining, but she knew it was causing Deanna pain and was an  
increasing source of eyerolling from their mutual friends.  
  
Deanna smiled. "I know you're right Bev." She paused. "Sometimes I feel  
Will and I are like children, always saying the opposite of what we mean."  
  
Beverly waited for Deanna to continue, and when she didn't, said "And?"  
knowing there was more.  
  
"Well, truthfully, I wonder if Will is like this because I'm not the type  
of woman he ever intended to end up with."  
  
Beverly chuckled.   
  
"What?" Deanna asked, a little outraged and ready to laugh herself. She  
could tell her friend had potentially humorous commentary on her moment of  
insecurity.  
  
"I'd imagine," Bev began slowly, "if someone had asked Will, before he  
met you, if he'd want to spend his life with a woman who could keep tabs  
on his thoughts, and um, desires, who would also be a formidible Star  
Fleet officer, that he would have looked at whoever was asking as if they  
were crazy!"  
  
'I wonder how often,' Deanna thought, 'it turns out one's Imzadi is their  
worst nightmare.' She laughed slightly, but Bev saw her wince.   
  
"It'll work itself out, Deanna," Beverly patted her friend's hand, "but I  
think you need to help it along."  
  
"I hope so, Bev, I hope so. Thanks for listening." Deanna got up to  
go.  
  
"Any time, Counselor. By the way, I think you should stop letting him be  
in control of this thing."  
  
Deanna turned and smiled, amused with the thought. "But Doctor, that's  
why I like him," she said coyly. Beverly shot her a look and they  
both giggled.  
  
Deanna felt badly for relying on Beverly so much, especially knowing that  
Beverly's life was filled with similar, if slightly less pressing,  
ambiguities, but there was only so much emotion and frustration  
she could defuse on her own. Plus, she knew an outside perspective was  
something she and Will desperately needed, although she doubted he had  
anyone he regularly confided in. If he did, she certainly wasn't aware of  
who it could be.  
  
***  
  
"Counselor," Will said by way of greeting, as he stopped in front of her.  
  
"Commander." While Deanna was used to greeting Will formally, and was  
comfortable working with him, she often wondered if these exchanges in the  
corridors of the Enterprise struck him as oddly as they struck her.  
  
"I trust you'll be joining us this evening for the reception for the  
Mitran delegation," he said with a slight smile.  
  
Deanna surpressed the urge to roll her eyes. He knew damn well she had to  
be there, and also knew how little she relished making small talk after a  
long day. "Yes, of course, Commander. 2100 hours."   
  
"Perhaps we can meet briefly to discuss your impressions afterwards. I'm  
sure it would help me prepare for the upcoming negotiations." She caught  
Will's eyes flash.  
  
"Certainly, Commander." Deanna smiled, nodded and continued towards her  
offices, realizing that he was still standing in the corridor, mulling  
something over.  
  
It wasn't unusual for Will to ask for her company on the pretense of work,  
especially when the ship was busy with outsiders, but she thought this was  
a particularly poorly formulated excuse, since she'd be giving the very  
report he mentioned at the next morning's meeting. Sitting down at   
her desk, Deanna smiled, realizing Will was actually nervous about these  
negotiations. Normally the Captain took the lead on such endeavors, but  
he had confessed recently to being concerned that Star Fleet was trying to  
turn him into a diplomat versus a captain and had asked Will to focus  
on the Mitran-Sardragian trade negotiations while he prepared for the  
upcoming archaeological survey, which was substantially more to his taste.  
While Will was a capable mediator, he was less patient than Picard, and  
the captain knew his first officer could use the practice. Will knew this  
as well, and had thus far been excellent at keeping both his nerves and  
annoyance at the assignment under wraps, even from Deanna, although she  
now suspected he would want to vent to her about it before the evening was  
over.  
  
***  
  
The aide to the Mitran ambassador was a rotund and slightly  
feathered little man who was plying Deanna with ostensibly inside  
information (too bad she knew he was lying) while she watched Will work  
the other end of the room. He seemed not only comfortable, but totally in  
his element. She noticed the captain also making his rounds; he was  
noticeably more relaxed than he usually was at these functions, although  
he was clearly keeping a sharp, yet approving, eye on Will. It was rare  
Picard was so obvious about his mentoring, but she suspected he knew as  
well as she did that the only other non-involved party who would notice  
would be Beverly, who was currently preoccupied by entertaining the  
ambassador's second and third wives.  
  
'I'll have to tease Will about that later,' Deanna thought to herself.  
Although she knew it might make him cranky, she definitely thought there  
was humor in his being chosen to mediate a trade dispute between a  
polgyamist race and another that didn't even have the concept of formal  
bonding, pair or otherwise.   
  
"Counselor, Lieutenant Commander Data has a variety of cultural questions  
about different races' conceptions of jealousy, I was wondering if perhaps  
you and your guest--"  
  
Deanna interjected to make the proper introductions. "Oh, excuse me.  
Lieutenant Commander LaForge, this is Ginn Lenara, aide to Ambassador  
Jaraone; Ginn Lenara, Lieutenant Commander Geordi LaForge, our chief  
engineer."  
  
Lenara bowed. "It's a pleasure to meet you Lieutenant; I've been looking  
forward to the opportunity to meet your commander Data. I hear he's a  
fascinating conversationalist."  
  
Deanna sensed Geordi's mental laugh and nod of agreement before he started  
leading Lenara over to where Data was animatedly conversing with another  
member of the delegation.  
  
"Counselor Troi, won't you join us?" Lenara asked holding his arm out for  
her to walk beside him. She smiled, first to him and then to Geordi  
as they walked over to Data.  
  
***  
  
"Geez, Deanna, I'm sorry, I wish I could have rescued you," Will said  
smiling over his cup of coffee at her and chuckling. They were sitting at  
the table in her quarters, realizing it was best not to post mortem in   
public what had evolved into a very surreal night.  
  
"It's alright Will, it wasn't a big deal and there was nothing you could  
have really done," she put her hand on his arm, appreciating the excuse to  
do so.  
  
Ginn Lenara's interest in her would be much funnier to both her and Will   
after he was off the ship. While her displeasure over it kept Will from  
feeling threatened, it didn't keep him from worrying about possible  
glitches the situation would bring to this mission.  
  
"It's not going to cause any problems, Will. We've both dealt with worse.  
At least my mother isn't here trying to set me up with him."  
  
He burst into laughter at this but felt her bringing up Lwaxana was  
definitely pushing their luck. Deanna shot him a lot as if to say 'I know  
she's difficult, but she's still my mother.'  
  
He shook his head. "I think you'd be safe, Dee, either the feathers or  
the polygamy would keep her matchmaking skills at bay in this case."  
  
Deanna giggled and put her hand over her mouth.  
  
Will smiled at her warmly then. He found her overwhelmingly attractive  
when she made gestures like that, in large part because he knew no one  
else ever really got to see this Deanna. The notion that no matter what  
happened they had a relationship and a closeness that couldn't be changed  
was a comfort to him. Imzadi aside, he just couldn't imagine either of  
them being this comfortable with anyone else; too much had happened in  
both their lives for either of them to completely let their guard down  
with anyone new. It was possessive and old-fashioned of him, he knew,  
but it went a long way towards both alleviating his pain when she was  
seeing someone else, and reassuring himself that the casualness of  
virtually all of the relationships he had had since meeting her was  
acceptable. The exception to this of course had been Soren, and while that  
had been both brief and chaste by his standards, it had had an emotional  
impact that had stayed with him a long time. While Deanna had been  
miserable during that time because of her empathic link to him, she had  
also been his lifeline. Perhaps because he had actually felt deeply about  
Soren or perhaps because Deanna didn't view Soren as competition because  
of the nature of her androgynous race, she had gone all out trying to help  
him through the loss. Will had felt so guilty that he hadn't been able to  
rescue Soren and had been horrified by the way her feelings and identity  
could be changed so suddenly. It had caused him to question and risk many  
things, including his relationship with Deanna and his role within Star  
Fleet.  
  
"You're thinking about Soren," she said quietly.  
  
"Hmmm?"  
  
"You're easier to read when you're tired." She smiled understandingly.  
  
"Actually," he said, "I was thinking about how grateful I was to you  
during that time." Will placed his hand over Deanna's and squeezed.  
  
"I learned a great deal about you because of Soren, Will. I owed both of  
you at least that much." It pleased Will that she still held affection for  
Soren too.   
  
"What did I do to deserve you, Imzadi?" he asked thoughtfully.  
  
Deanna almost gasped; it was very strange to hear him say that word after  
all these years, and it forced her to work very hard at keeping her  
emotions under control. She could tell from his face that he sensed this.  
  
"It's still true, Dee" he said. "Regardless of our," he paused to choose   
the right word, "friendship. I'm a very lucky man, but I worry that I've  
hurt you."  
  
"No more than I've hurt you, Will."   
  
He winced and smiled, almost at the same time. She realized that no  
matter how angry or dissapointed they'd been with each other in the past,  
that they each blamed themselves entirely for the course of events that  
had become their lives.  
  
Deanna stood up, about to walk over to the replicator to get herself some  
more hot chocolate.  
  
"Dee, come here." It was almost a question, but not quite.  
  
"What?" she asked coyly, feeling like she needed some sort of warning as  
she walked around the table to him.   
  
Will took her hand, played with her fingers, noticed the friendship ring  
he had given her several years ago which she almost always wore on her  
right hand when she was off duty. He looked up at her. "I love you  
very much Dee, I hope you know that."  
  
"I know." She smiled and placed her left hand against his face and then  
ran it lightly through his hair before returning it to his cheek.  
She bent down then to kiss him him chastely on the lips, but they wound up  
sharing several small kisses before he would let her pull away.  
  
"I should go, Dee," he said apologeticly. He stood up, still holding her  
hand.  
  
"Yes. Yes, you probably should." She agreed, feeling both a little  
sadness and fear.  
  
They walked to the door of her quarters. He was going to kiss her again,  
but thought the better of it. He knew they'd both have a hard enough time  
sleeping now as it was, and he was under too much pressure right now to  
risk complicating his one consistant refuge. He ran his hand over her  
hair, and whispered "Goodnight," to her before leaving.  
  
Deanna sat down on her couch and sighed, resting her head against its  
back. "Computer, locate Dr. Crusher."  
  
"Dr. Crusher is in ten-forward."  
  
***  
  
"Deanna! Over here!" Beverly waved acorss ten-forward to her friend.  
Picard rolled his eyes. "Jean-Luc," she admonished.  
  
"Sorry Bev, I just know she's here to talk about her and Will, and quite  
frankly, I hear enough of it from him as it is."  
  
"As I recall, Will has been confiding in you because you expressed an  
interest. And knowing Will, you would have had to have been quite  
persuasive."  
  
"Yes, yes, that's true. It's just amazes me that for such a fine officer  
he has so much trouble making seemingly obvious decisions about his  
personal life." Picard stopped suddenly as Deanna approached. "Deanna,  
won't you join us?"  
  
"Thank you, Captain."  
  
"You're up late considering, the, uh, excitement of tonight's gathering."  
  
Deanna smiled while Beverly raised her eyebrows at Picard.  
  
"Yes, I just finished going over the proceedings with Will, and I thought  
I'd drop by and see who was still awake."  
  
Picard looked from Beverly to Deanna nervously, from their facial  
expressions he could tell they both had things to say which they weren't  
going to say in front of him. "Well," he said, clearing his throat, "I  
was just heading off to bed myself. I'll see both of you tomorrow," he  
said getting up and nodding before turning to go.  
  
"Goodnight, Jean-Luc," Beverly said, trying not to sound as amused as she  
obviously was.  
  
"Goodnight Captain," Deanna called after him. He waved without turning  
back towards the women.  
  
"So?" Beverly asked like a schoolgirl, drawing out the word.  
  
"Is it that obvious?"  
  
"That you came here with news? Well, yes. Come on, Deanna, spill."  
  
"Alright." Deanna paused, took a deep breath, and realized how silly she  
was about to sound. "We kissed."  
  
"You kissed? Just how involved of a kiss was this?"  
  
"Well, not particularly, Bev, but it wanted to be, and then he left."  
  
"He left?"  
  
Deanna sighed. "Yeah. And he told me he loved me."  
  
Beverly rolled her eyes and made a noise of frustration.  
  
"How do you think I feel?!" Deanna exclaimed, and they both chuckled.  
  
"What are you going to do?"  
  
"I'm not sure there's anything I can do, Bev, other than go about my  
business."  
  
Beverly stared at her.  
  
"Alright. And try to be a little less timid." Deanna was glad to see her  
friend smile at that. "It's a strange thing, eventhough he should know  
better, it's almost as if he thinks he's not good enough for me, that what  
I see in him is somehow false, that he's tricked me."  
  
"Gods! He is so arrogant," Beverly said lauging. "As if he could hide  
his nature from a Betazoid, and especially you of all people."  
  
"Yes, it's a bit silly. I would be insulted, this notion that I can't see  
him as he really is, but that's how he considers all people. It's  
protection."  
  
"But from you? It's ridiculous."  
  
"It's necessary to who he is, at least right now."  
  
"And until he gets over it?"  
  
"You and I will be having this conversation in ten-forward."  
  
Beverly smirked. "Indeed."  
  
"How are you and Jean-Luc doing?"  
  
"Well, since all we ever talk about is you and Will, we're as studiously  
avoidng the topic as ever."  
  
***  
  
Will Riker had spent the last 3 hours staring at his ceiling, not even  
particularly mulling his situation with Deanna over. Afterall, mulling  
would imply thinking about details, considering plans, options, actions.  
Instead his head was an unfocused mishmash of desire, frustration,  
confusion and exhaustion.  
  
He sat up in bed.  
  
"Computer, locate Deanna Troi."  
  
"Deanna Troi is in her quarters."  
  
'Well, at least one of us can sleep,' he thought to himself bitterly   
before getting out of bed, dressing and heading to ten-forward.  
  
  
Guinan was at her usual post beind the bar. Apparently she wasn't much for   
sleep either.  
  
She looked up at him and smiled, almost as if welcoming him to a  
pre-arranged appointment.  
  
"Trouble sleeping, Commander? You look nice in blue by the way."  
  
Will smiled, squinted his eyes at her and then looked down at the shirt he  
had tugged on. Deanna had given it to him a couple of years ago.  
"Thanks," he said.  
  
"Can I get you something, Will?"  
  
"Sure, but whatever it is better let me get a couple of hours of  
sleep before my next shift or keep me up for the next 24."  
  
"You look like you need the sleep," she said as she got to work on one of  
her infamous concoctions. "What's troubling you anyway?"  
  
"Just too much rattling around in my head, Guinan."  
  
She shot him a look and went back to her preparations, humming. She found  
it amusing that he had never really grasped that his poker face only  
worked for poker. As she turned to hand Will his drink she asked, "when  
was the last time you had a dream?"  
  
He looked puzzled for a moment and then commented that he could remember  
one or two from the past week.  
  
"No, not that type. Like a secret desire, a crazy objective..."  
  
He smirked. "You mean like beating Kirk's record?"  
  
"Yeah. Or marrying Deanna Troi."  
  
Will pretended to become fascinated with the glass his drink had been  
served in, and Guinan went back to humming.  
  
"What the hell is that you keep humming Guinan?"  
  
Guinan smiled. She could tell she was getting under Will's skin. At this  
she started singing in a soft voice - "haven't had a dream, in a long  
time, seems the life I've led, could make a good man turn bad, so please  
please please let me get what I want, lord knows it would be the first  
time."  
  
"Well, that's cheery," Will paused.   
  
"You're the one that loves the Blues."  
  
Will shurgged. "So what is it you want Guinan?"  
  
She just smiled and Will made an annoyed faced by way of response.  
  
"Commander, as long as you keep smiling enigmaticly at me, I'll keep  
smiling enigmaticly at you, now drink your drink, go back to your quarters  
and get some rest."  
  
***  
  
"Dismissed," Picard announced as he started to neaten up the stack of  
padds in front of him. "Number One, a moment."  
  
"Yes, sir."  
  
Picard glanced up at him while going over something on the padd in front  
of him and waiting for the rest of his senior staff to leave the meeting  
room. "Sit back down, Will, we'll all be on our feet enough later with  
this damned diplomatic nonsense."  
  
Riker sat and raised an eyebrow at Picard questioningly.   
  
"Yes, I confess, I'm annoyed with this whole process. Especially this  
business of having to fly out into the middle of nowhere after retrieving  
the Sardragians."  
  
"Considering some of the other requests we've dealt with from diplomats,  
sir, the Mitran are quite good natured."  
  
"Yes, Number One, I agree with you." Picard paused for a moment lost in  
thoughts. "How is the situation with Ginn Lenara?"  
  
Riker made a point of keeping his face very still while answering,  
conspicuously so, but Picard refrained comment. "The Counselor is  
concerned that he may view her interactions with the Sardragians as a  
personal betrayal, and while that wouldn't be in keeping with our  
understanding of their culture, she feels that he is personally  
machiavellian enough for it to be a concern."  
  
"Could it disrupt the negotiations?"  
  
"Unlikely, although it might make her work a bit harder."  
  
"And she's comfortable with the situation?"  
  
"More so than the rest of us, sir."  
  
Picard looked at Riker in a way that demanded an explanation.  
  
"Deanna feels the situation is essentially minor, and that Lenara takes an  
interest in potential companions frequently enough that she could not be  
important enough to him that her actions during these negotiations would  
make him or his government upset, or to put her in a difficult position."  
  
"And how do you feel about it?"  
  
"Sir?"  
  
"Will, I know your patience for these negotiations is at least as low as  
mine, and that," Picard paused and sighed. He didn't want to imply that  
his first officer couldn't handle this situation professionally, yet he  
also felt obligated to express concern for his friend, who was generally  
as disinclined to discuss his feelings as himself. Picard started again,  
"and that your concern for the Counselor--"  
  
Will raised an eyebrow quizzically at Picard, but kept silent.  
  
"might make you uncomfortable."   
  
Will noted that Picard was visably relieved to have finished that  
sentence. "I appreciate your concern, sir, but it's not necessary."  
  
Picard smiled. "Very good then," he said standing up and heading towards  
the bridge. "Oh, and Will, thank you."   
  
"Sir." Riker nodded and followed him to the bridge.  
  
***  
  
"Come in," Troi called from her bedroom as the door chimed. "I'll be  
right there, I'm just trying to find an earring!"  
  
Will chuckled to himself.  
  
"I am not turning into my mother!" she exclaimed in response to his  
unexpressed thought. "Now what is it you want Commander?"  
  
"I thought you might be interested in escorting me to the Sardragian  
event."  
  
Deanna held out her arms and looked down at herself. "How convenient, I'm  
even dressed for it." She smiled at Will then, but he could tell she  
wasn't in the best mood, although on the plus side her aggravation didn't  
seem directed at him.  
  
Will offered her his arm. Deanna smiled, patted his shoulder and said  
"Sorry, Will, that wouldn't be wise right now."  
  
Will frowned, grabbed her hand for a moment and nodded. "Right as ever,  
Counselor. Shall we?" he said motioning to the door.   
  
He wanted to cheer her up, or at least find out what was bothering her,  
but he knew this wasn't the time. It wasn't as if they could ever have  
just a brief conversation about each other's emotions, even when they  
weren't about their relationship. There was an ever tightening spiral of  
concern they'd get into, that if interrupted would leave them distracted  
and impatient during an event where they had to be at their most  
congenial.  
  
Lost in thought, Will was chagrined to have rounded a corner with Deanna  
and almost smacked directly into Ginn Lenara who was, Will realized,  
insisting that he needed Deanna's immediate attention to some matter.  
Will looked at her, opened his mouth to say something, and hoped she'd cut  
him off with a response that would actually be appropriate.   
  
"Commander, why don't you go on ahead, I'll be there as soon as I can,"  
Deanna said looking at him pointedly.  
  
He supressed a concerned smile and replied, "Very well, counselor," nodded  
and walked off, back even straighter than usual.  
  
Deanna sighed and then turned her attention to Lenara. "And what can I do  
for you?" she asked trying to sound as friendly and casual as possible.  
  
***  
  
"Where's Deanna?" Beverly asked Will quietly as he arrived at the  
reception for the Sardragians.   
  
Will sighed, not sure if he should mention their encounter with Ginn  
Lenara. This certainly wasn't the place, but he couldn't help but feel  
slightly uncomfortable about the incident as he was fairly well convinced  
the timing was not coincidence. He frowned then, "She should be along in  
a bit, Doctor," and walked off, leaving Beverly momentarily stranded and  
looking puzzled. She just hoped they hadn't had another fight.  
  
***  
  
Lenara took Deanna's hand. She decided it would be best to let that pass  
until she heard what he had to say, as ridiculous as it was. She only  
really began to feel uncomfortable when Lenara started massaging her hand  
and insisted she walk with him, in the exact opposite direction of the  
Sardragian function.  
  
"You are unused to this," Lenara stated flatly.   
  
Deanna decided it was best not to respond, in hopes that he would explain  
himself more thoroughly.  
  
"Having someone interested in claiming you, being part of a family,  
acquiescing to something other than duty."   
  
It was the hopefulness, almost greediness in Lenara's tone that disgusted  
Deanna. That said the remark about acquiescing did hit a nerve, just not  
one related to him. She was also wondering why she had to have this  
conversation now. Deanna stopped and turned to face him. "Ginn," she  
said taking both his hands, "clearly we need to talk, but I can't right  
now. I'm already late to the reception I know you're aware of and the  
negotiations begin in 37 hours. This is not the time. We both  
have jobs to be focusing on. Alright? I will make time for us to discuss  
this later." She hoped she didn't sound too condescending.  
  
"You're pledged to Riker aren't you?"  
  
Deanna had to stifle her surprise and even a small laugh, and noted once  
again how men said his name with contempt as often as with admiration.   
"The Commander and I have been close friends for a long time." She  
paused. "Please, Ginn, tomor--"  
  
Ginn cut her off. "As you wish," he said and turned and walked off.  
Deanna just stood there, conflicted about her various roles in this  
situation. She sighed and turned to head back towards the reception.  
While difficult, she guiltily ignored the sound of Lenara's hand slamming  
into the corridor wall as he rounded a corner.   
  
Tomorrow was clearly not going to be pleasant.  
  
***  
  
Will visibly relaxed as Deanna entered the reception. He caught her eye  
and realized she was considerably annoyed, so he began chatting his  
way across the room towards her to find out what was going on.  
  
Beverly, on the other hand, saw Deanna and her thinly masked scowl arrive  
and presumed it was directed at Will. This was not going to be a fun  
night. If everyone was lucky, she could keep them away from each other,  
otherwise they'd be throwing barbs at each other over the heads of the  
Sardragians for hours.  
  
Will found himself getting more impatient as he got closer to where Deanna  
was chatting somewhat distractedly with two of the more junior members of  
the Sardragian delegation. At this at least Will had to smile, as it was  
one of his own tricks. Junior officers tended to overhear the most and  
have the least to hide, and in too many cases their opinions were  
solicited infrequently enough that they were more than eager to talk,  
often in ways that were quite out of line. This was also one of the  
reasons Will went out of his way to befriend, or at least be friendly to,  
the Enterprise's junior crew members.  
  
Just as he thought he was going to be able to slip into Deanna's  
conversation, Beverly appeared in front of him and was instantly steering  
him off in another direction. Why, he wasn't entirely sure, but he  
suspected she had a motive other than social mixing.  
  
Trying his best not to sound annoyed, Will leaned down and whispered to  
her, "What's so urgent Doctor?"  
  
"Just trying to keep you and the Counselor from driving each other crazy."  
  
Will gave her a puzzled look. He knew Deanna confided in her about their  
relationship, but now he wondered what she had said. He thought things  
had been going well between them, even if they were flirting with the  
boundaries of their frienship yet again.  
  
Beverly patted him arm absently, as if to say, 'not now, Will.'  
  
Will glanced back to Deanna who looked slightly deflated to see him being  
led across the room by Beverly. In his mind he heard, 'Don't worry so  
much, we'll talk later.' He smiled then and let his mind get back to  
the task at hand.   
  
***  
  
"I hate this, I feel like I'm in high school," Deanna said tapping the  
hairpin she'd been fidgetting with on the glass tabletop.  
  
"Speaking of high school, what's with Bev?"  
  
"Oh, she thought you and I were fighting because we both looked so pissed  
off when we arrived. She was trying to protect the Sardragians from the  
fray."  
  
Will chuckled.  
  
"She was pretty embarassed when I explained."  
  
"Well, she should be."  
  
Deanna leaned over the table, laughed and slapped him playfully on the  
arm. "That's not nice."  
  
"You know," he began, a sly look coming over his features, "if you ever  
hit me, and I find out about it --"  
  
Deanna giggled and kicked him under the table before he could finish the  
sentence. Will grabbed her foot, brought it up to rest on his thigh and  
began massaging the arch.  
  
"Oh, Commander, _that_ is very good."  
  
Will gave a self-satisfied smile that Deanna missed as she rolled her eyes  
closed, which he took as a sign of her letting her guard down. Will  
continued with what he was doing, working his hands towards her ankle, and  
let his mind wander, probably more than he should have, but it was hard  
after her last remark not to indulge the particular fantasy it had   
conjured up.  
  
Deciding to see just how much he could get away with, Will slowly let his  
hand encircle Deanna's ankle. He watched her face, saw her breath catch  
in her throat and her eyes open for just a second. She was letting him  
know that he could continue the game. He wondered then, just how much of  
his thoughts she had picked up on.  
  
Some, but not all, clearly. She was emanating curiosity, but Will wasn't  
sure what to do next. There was a table between them, among other things.  
  
Deanna sensed his hesitation and immediately thought of Beverly's recent  
admonishments and her own responses. Beverly had encouraged her not to  
let Will control their interactions. Deanna had protested, saying she  
liked things that way, which of course wasn't entirely true. And then  
there was Ginn Lenara's remark about acquiescing, and now the muddled  
images flickering through Will's mind. It was time to act.  
  
She slowly slid her leg off Will's lap. While her eyes were open now,  
looking him in the eye seemed out of the question, at least for the  
moment. She stood up, and steadied herself against the table for a  
moment.  
  
Will, for his part, couldn't take his eyes off her, mainly because he had  
no idea what was going to happen next. There was a part of him that  
wanted to stammer apologies and bolt, but a voice in the back of his head  
told him not to move, breathe or speak. The only thing he was sure of was  
that whatever happened next was absolutely tenuous, and any sudden action  
on his part could change the course of events in a way he would regret.  
  
He let his breath out a little too loudly as Deanna knelt beside his  
chair. She looked up at him, her eyes almost too wide, and asked "what  
would you like to do next?" before glancing down.   
  
She hoped she was doing the right thing, both in terms of what would  
interest Will, and what was actually prudent within their relationship.  
  
Will smiled off to the side, towards nothing and no one in particular, as  
if looking for someone to confirm for him that this was actually   
happening. He ran his right hand through her hair, almost stalling for  
time. Deanna sighed and her posture relaxed. He did it again, this time  
grabbing a handful of her hair and tugging on it lightly so he could look  
into her face. He let go and ran his hand down the side of her face. Her  
lower lip quivered and he brushed two fingers against it in response. Her  
tongue flicked out to capture them and draw them into her mouth. Will  
moaned as she sucked on his fingers.  
  
He eased himself out of his chair and onto his knees beside her. Taking  
her face in his hands he kissed her, slowly, but not gently, biting on her  
lower lip until she squealed with surprise, but she made no effort to  
pull away.  
  
Deanna felt off balance. Will's mind was open to her in a way she wasn't  
used to. So often when they were even remotely intimiate he would wall  
himself away from her and she would feel like she was lost in a dark  
corridor with him just out of reach. That feeling of mentally chasing  
him would make her sick. At the moment though, the sensation was  
closer to falling through water and she hadn't the slightest idea when or  
how she would land. 'Don't think,' she reminded herself, as he had so  
often tried to tell her long ago and far away. Even the way he was  
kissing her was an indication of how much they had both changed.   
  
He eased her back down onto the floor and began running his nails up and  
down the side of her thigh. Deanna figured that would bruise, but it  
almost pleased her. A souvenir of this, even a temporary one, suited her,  
although she hoped that maybe they would sort things out well enough this  
time that she wouldn't need souvenirs.  
  
She opened her eyes and found him looking right into hers. That was  
unlike Will, and she kept waiting for him to look away, but he didn't.  
Eventually he said, "hello," softly and with a slight laugh. She smiled  
and grabbed at his hair. His eyes danced.  
  
"So now what, Imzadi?" he asked.   
  
Deanna found it hard to believe that she had never noticed before how  
careful Will was of her. Of course he always worried about her, but  
suddenly she was aware that he also worried about hurting her, and not  
just emotionally.  
  
She kissed him again, but he wouldn't accept that as an answer. Will  
propped himself up on his elbow and with his other hand turned her face  
towards his. "Dee?" She projected a flood of images and feelings at him,  
and he smiled and sighed, but then shook his head. "I've learned to speak  
your way, learn to speak mine."  
  
"Will," she paused. "I, I want to be with you, tonight. I-- I want you  
inside of me." She looked away.  
  
At that Will had to catch his breath. He got to his knees, gathered her  
up in his arms and stood up to carry her into the bedroom. He sensed her  
fear for a moment, but relaxed when he realized it was just from the  
sensation of being picked up and not about what was going to happen  
between them.  
  
She laughed when he set her down on the bed. Wasn't there an earth  
tradition in this? Didn't it mean she was supposed to be a bride or  
something?  
  
Deanna watched him undress, but didn't move to do the same, knowing Will  
would rather help her. She got up on her knees and ran her hands up his  
chest. He pulled at her dress for a moment, trying to decide on the best  
avenue of attack. Deanna smiled. This was Will Riker to a tee -- both   
little boy and master battle strategist and as usual there she was, caught  
somewhere in the middle of it.   
  
She shivered slightly as Will ran his hands up her sides and under her  
dress, pausing for a second to stare at her breasts before lifting it over  
her head. She leaned into him then, feeling relief and recognition as  
their skin touched. '_This_,' she thought, 'is how I remember who I am.'  
  
Will held Deanna against him, his arm tight against her lower back, as if  
he would bend her over it. She tried repeatedly to kiss him, but he  
kept pulling his mouth away by mere milimeters and grinning. She  
whimpered his name, overcome with need.  
  
"You belong to me, don't you?" Will asked in a way that indicated he not  
only knew the answer, but was waiting for her agreement so he could  
demonstrate that fact to her.  
  
"I always have," Deanna whispered. "I always have." She felt herself on  
the verge of tears from the relief of being able to tell him that.  
  
Taken aback at the urgency of the confession (he had merely expected a  
'yes'), Will wrapped her up in his arms and held her to him, until he felt  
her relax and understand that he would always act with that knowledge in  
mind. "I love you so much, Deanna," he said and she let herself believe  
him in a way she usually didn't.  
  
They lay down on the bed together, and Deanna clutched at Will's shoulder  
as he slipped one finger and then another inside her. He eased himself  
down towards her hips, laying the side of his face against her belly as  
he slipped his hand in and out of her. Deanna looked down at him  
listening to the sound of himself inside her, grasped his hair and felt  
tears roll down her face, partly in joy, and in part because for the first  
time in years she felt herself remember how badly she wanted to have this  
man's children. 


End file.
